Hello all who read. I have been absent from my weekly regimen. I have been trying to write as much as possible but lately life has been kicking me in the balls over and over. I got dumped by a girl I loved, I started having panic attacks, my depression came back, and now my grandmother has died.  

Please don’t feel bad for me. This is part of life. You get older and things get tougher. We also become tougher as a result. Life wouldn’t be any fun if it was easy.

I’ve never had a family member I know die. I had an uncle die but he didn’t talk to the family. I do not really know how to act or how I feel. I have cried a bit but not like I thought I would. I haven’t really come out of this numb state of mind. I know it’s cliché, but I think I’m in shock. I don’t really know what to do.

For reference of time and how raw these emotions are; I found out she died yesterday April 25,2022 at around 6PM. I’m positing this at 2PM on April 26, 2022.

Thinking clearly isn’t really in the cards for me right now. I am trying to be as thoughtful, and self-loving as possible but it is hard. I’ve felt that guilt of not talking to her enough. I’m feeling guilt about not knowing everything I could about her from her. But I also know that’s not entirely abnormal or realistic.

I loved my grandmother so much. She was so thoughtful, patent, kind, humorous, loving, and intelligent. She dealt with my grandfather’s constant obstinate behavior better than anyone could. Here is one of my favorite examples of how much my grandma would go through daily and just how kind she was:

I had just touched down in Florida after flying in on a redeye. It was my sophomore year of college spring break, and my grandpa was recovering from a non-fatal cancer diagnosis. He complaint constantly about the various tasks the “Matriarch in his life was forcing him to do.” The matriarch consisted of my mother, my aunt Linda, my aunt Wendy, and of course my grandmother. They weren’t making him do anything out of the ordinary for recovery. It was basic things like, taking pills, working on his speech therapy, and eating healthy meals. But my grandfather is the kind of guy who takes a left when you told him to take a right just because he hates being told what to do.

Both he and my grandmother are night owls. Idk if grandma was a night owl by choice or by force. When I walked in the door around 1AM my grandpa was still up watching west coast college basketball. Both he and my grandmother are sports fans. They both also went to Utah State University (mine and my mother’s alma mater) so staying up late for games was nothing out of the usual. I don’t think the aggies were on the tube that night.

My grandma offered to cook me a quick grilled cheese after the long flight, and I took her up on it. I knew we would be up for at least another 2 hours. Like I said night owls. My grandma was also great at making comfort foods like grilled cheese. She made the best French toast you ever had. I legit never order French Toast anywhere because it will always be a letdown.

While she was in the prosses of making the GC for me my grandpa had made his way from his recliner to the kitchen. He began to do the classic hover that every old man does when they secretly want something from the kitchen.

As my meal was near complete my grandma finally cracked and ask what my grandpa wanted. It was obvious he had something on his mind. “Well John what do you want?” She asked him as he watched her scrape the sandwich off the panini press. “Oh well you’re not going to let CJ eat alone, are you?” He replied clearly hinting towards wanting something to eat. “Would you like a sandwich?” She asked him as she put my grilled cheese on the plate. “Oh no, no I couldn’t eat that much now.” You could tell a ridiculous request was coming because my grandfather had changed his tone of voice to a humbler setting. “Well how about a half a sandwich John?” You could feel that she knew what was coming next. “Oh, half is too much how about a quarter?” My grandfather replied.

I remember how shocked I was to hear such a bazar request. A quarter of a grilled cheese sandwich might as well be one bite. It’s not a fraction I’ve ever heard someone request. Sure, maybe a half but a quarter? I couldn’t help but laugh at the request. My grandfather gave us a look of what seemed to be complete awe. As if to suggest we were the ones who were out of hand.

This is where my grandmother’s intelligence, strength, and patients all kicked in at once. I fell straight for the look of awe. My grandpa was good at this trick and if it were just me in the kitchen, he probably would have won this battle. But Grandma stood firm. She didn’t budge. She’d been training her whole life for this moment. While some people may think she never won any battles they are wrong. She won tons of them she was good at pick and choosing her spots. She knew if she stayed logical and didn’t lose her temper eventually my grandfather would drop the ridiculous request, and shuffle on back to his recliner. She was smart offering alternatives like a half a sandwich. It was 1AM I was tired and if it were me, I would have just caved or stormed off to bed. Not grandma she knew if she was firm but kind, she would eventually win her battle. After only a few minutes she made won. Grandpa went back to his recliner. And grandma went back to hers.

You could tell that she had delt with a million small ridiculous requests in her life.

Idk why that’s always the fist story that comes to mind when I think of my grandma. Maybe it’s because she handled such an absurd request with such grace. Maybe it’s because I saw her defeat my grandfather in a test of stubbornness (An impossible feat to the normal soul). Or maybe because in that moment she stayed loving and happy. She managed to chuckle a few times as my grandpa contested her. You could feel just how warm and graceful her spirit was in moments like this. Whenever possible she showed just how important it was to be kind and forgiving.

Before writing it out I had never really taken this idea that she carried herself with so well to heart. I’d observed her intense patients, love, and care. Her warmth and her grace. I was even lucky enough to feel her kind spirit whenever I was with her. But not till now did I ever fully realize what it was that made her so special to so many. I hope I can absorb a quarter of that kindhearted spirit. I hope one day I can be what she was to so many.